These Are My Heroes. My Dad.

I'll draw a pencil portrait of Dad later, but I like this style of artwork for this post. It's the 1950s and 1960s when my father was working 12 to 16 hours a day as a machinist to support the family, and when his kids were growing up. When he wasn't at work, he taught us stuff. How to ride a bicycle. Swing a bat and a hammer, catch a fly, throw 'em out at second base, ice skate, block a goal, duck a punch, throw a punch, pass a football. When we were a little older, how to cut the grass, change spark plugs and a tire, paint a room, play an instrument, break up with grace. Later still, how to wet plaster. Okay, now add the plaster. Stir. Faster. Too slow. Throw that out. Start over. And in an emergency golf outing training session, how to play golf. Okay. You drive straight. Just keep doing that until the ball's in the hole. Always pick up your ball at 8. How to negotiate with machine tool guys. Don't snow them. Ask questions. Tell the truth. Walk tall. And now, how to cope with aging, pain, loss and grief. My friend Beckie's grandmother, Shirley, said that when you're old, what you miss most is how you defined yourself. I wish Dad could think of himself as a hero, as all of his children do.

A Three Story Life-The Wayback Machine

The Wayback Machine was a device used by Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman to visit history. Peabody's Improbable History cartoons were a feature of the Rocky and Bullwinkle show, a genius Jay Ward enterprise. Peabody, here, Mr. Peabody said to start, and we would then happily journey back in time. In our house, The Wayback Machine begins with that's like... or I remember. If Dad says I remember, there will be a tenuous connection to what we are talking about in real time. If it's that's like, the anecdote will have little or nothing to do with now. Many conversations include these two episodic references. I think older people talk this way because long-term memory is most readily accessible. Humans like to have self-relatedness. We all like to talk about ourselves. But the non sequitur recurrence makes it head spinning to keep up during a crisis that needs attention. In the midst of household problem solving, it's downright hard. It confuses me, it confuses people from outside our house who are participating in what's being discussed. Maybe it's common to try to explain what we did 45 years ago that may or may not have led us to where we are now. But information revealed in this way doesn't clarify anything for the listeners-it makes getting through a sticky wicket that much gummier. Today I said a dozen times, let's focus on the here and now. We moved into the 80s fairly quickly, but never did get out of that troublesome decade altogether. Do we all do that? Dad tells anecdotes to me as though I was not there when the story unfolded. This behavior is particularly perplexing because in every other way his cognitive function is fine. He just won't switch The Wayback Machine off, especially if we're confronting a situation that requires present tense attention and a rapid solution. I think those of us who are stuck in the past tend to stay stuck. Everything is a reflection, living is not done in the present. Problem solving is solving problems in the past. Alternative outcomes get reviewed repeatedly in private, until the past is a wheel in a cage. There must be some brain function that allows a successful conclusion from the past to stand in for what's going on now. I'm over analyzing this. I need more present and accounted for behavior in dealing with situations, because our lives right now contain serial situations. All I know truly is it is not possible to count your blessings when the wheel of self-analytics is going full speed, and I have great sympathy for my father. It has to be exhausting not to have blessings in the now to count.

Blogs for Women Over 60

A sign on the roads in England that delighted me read Priorities Change Ahead. The first time I saw this, being the obedient first responder to orders, my brain spun. A sign is a sign is a sign! I never thought what UK highway system officials intended about driving, but what this sign meant in my life. I was only 50 then. Now, immersed in the fog of accepting that there is less time for me in the future on this planet than past, I think of that sign. We all have to change priorities in a country where age is not honored, women as elders are shoved into the first available invisible place; at a time when healthcare will be a priority while legislators decide old people (and children) don't need to keep living. Priorities change ahead. We were at a jazz festival in Detroit when a young person offered us a coupon for teeth whitening stuff. The young persons used to offer cigarettes a long time ago. Priorities change ahead. As he held out the coupon, I laughed, and said teeth whitening is number 1,741 on my list of priorities. My sister laughed. What are the other 1,740? she asked. We can't tell from search results on the internet what is a priority for women over 60. Hairstyles, fashion, sex, celebrity. My priorities as a woman over 60 are similar to most American women. 1) My health, 2) Family's health, 3) Exercise, 4) Relationships, 5) Finances, 6) Good work. Work might be volunteering, if 5) Finances are in fairly good shape, and there's time because 1) and 2) are well. I keep applying for part-time work in town and I keep not getting called. And I'm trying to give attention to signs. What is the work I would love to do in the time remaining? How can I help? In what way can I help heal the political polarity, the planet, and find deeper meaning in spiritual pursuits while maintaining optimum physical condition? These are the subjects women over 60 give priority. We can help each other find the sources for reaching our real goals. Please tell me where you find additional strength on the internet, and I'll link the sites. Let's create a community that shares and celebrates our priorities because priorities change ahead.

Warrior

A Three Story Life: Caregiver Blues

Scott was unhappy and mad at dinner tonight. It was one of his favorite meals, but it didn't please him. I went upstairs after dinner to ask if he was okay, to see if there was anything I could do. He wasn't playing music, which he loves to do. His equipment wasn't working last week - there was a tape stuck in the tape player. I fixed the CD player part. Something else must have gone wrong because Dad took the whole unit up to the repair shop that is never open, while the repair guy takes months to fix anything. Dad has shopped on the computer for a week solid for a tape player standalone. It came in the mail today. Dad's got it next to him on the couch, and I thought he was checking it out for Scott. Scott's little Sony Walkman (I think it was Mom's) wasn't working tonight. I took it down to Dad. "This isn't working," I said. He figured out it was the batteries, and replaced them. Dad said "I asked him if the batteries were okay, and he said yes." I took the player back up to Scott, he put on his headphones and nodded thanks. Back downstairs, I asked Dad "who did you buy that tape player for?" He said, "me." My heart took a hit again tonight. I have nowhere to turn, no help on these issues in the family. The support group at the Senior Center is no more. I can't make Dad think of more than himself, can't get him to understand once and for flipping all that Scott has Alzheimer's and it takes more than one question to find out what he needs. I cannot make Scott's life better. I know all this. But I sure as hell want to get some relief when I feel this bad. How do I do that? Anybody out there got a clue?

Dale Allen "In Our Right Minds"

Dale Allen's January newsletter arrived today. Dale Allen's "In Our Right Minds" changed my brain. If you live near where she is performing, you'll want to see her in person. Meanwhile, you can enjoy an appetizer in the comfort of your own home. Her newsletter with its subhead "Guiding Women to Their Strength as Leaders: Guiding Men to Strength Without Armor" reminded me of my Finno-Ugrian ancestry - people are referred to in 3rd person, there is only one word for woman and man. Sign up for Allen's newsletter. I'll share a piece of the celebration of women ceremony: We honor her wisdom. We celebrate her journey and the life experience that makes a spiritual elder, a wise woman, a crone, a Keeper of the Flame. We all can use some sacred support on our glorious journey.